My Heroes

Everybody has a list of so-called "heroes" that they keep in the backs of their heads like some grocery list that they look at every here and again, adding and dropping as they gather new information or lose interest. They are cluttered with generals, sports stars, and other feckless Americana. I'd like to think my roster is, aside from being eclectic, rather timeless and true to my goals and ideals. These are people whose words and actions I have looked to for guidance in my life when more contemporary sources were...less helpful.

Jack Kevorkian: A man whose steadfast dedication to the euthanasia movement cost him his career and ultimately his freedom. He looked at death with appreciation, rather than the disdain of failure that other physicians did and still do. Death could not be a failure, he thought, when it brings the end to such enormous suffering. He was willing to give up years of his life and every shred of privacy and respect from the public and his peers to ensure for others the right he would want to have himself: the right to choose the time and place of his death, and the aid of a merciful doctor or a friend if he so chose. Jack, you will be missed, but at least we have the memories.

Nikola Tesla: Because DC is for bitches. I mean really, this man was a genius to the fullest extent of the term. Most people would reserve this slot for Thomas Edison, but fuck him; the only things he had going for him were direct current and the incandescent light bulb, and how much of either of those do you see these days? The real kicker is that he actually put time and effort towards discrediting Tesla rather than making effort to surpass him. The final score: Tesla wins, Edison blows.

George Carlin: Okay, so now we see; the high-and-mighty Evil Ben is taking life lessons from a filthy comedy act. Well I'll admit that quote Carlin's words frequently, but I take something greater from him. In the 1960s Carlin was actually arrested for using the "7 Words" in public and on public media. He should have been protected by our country's most sacred right, free speech, but he got thrown in the can anyway. So much for freedom. Also, I try to remind others, like he did, that anything can be made funny. Anything. Your dead grandma? I can come up with a joke for that, and not only can you laugh at it, you should. What good does it do you or her memory to attach some sanctimonious silent moping to her name? Why not have a laugh at that last pussy fart that squeaked out at the wake?

Richard Dawkins: It would be too easy (and obvious) to give Dawkins the spot here for being an atheist. No, he gets it for being bold and unrelenting in his mission to spread rationalism and his advocacy of science education. He's taken so many knocks for standing up against religious fanatacism, he's almost...Christ-like.

Carl Sagan: This man, to me, is so powerful, he's actually made it into my dreams to continue his work. Twice. Sagan made it his goal to bring the wonders of science to all of us, not by dumbing it down or sugar-coating hard truths, but by blending scientific fact with his own special brand of elegant prose. His works are what inspire me on a daily basis to always look for the facts, the beautiful truths that describe the awesome nature of our universe.

Anton LaVey: Okay, I think we might have seen this one coming. For starters, who else has founded a religion that DIDN'T turn into a suicide cult/ponzi scheme/militia/orgy? Yup, that's right. Like the modern members of the Church of Satan, Anton LaVey was a driven, multi-talented man with a taste for the macabre and a penchant for the mysterious. He understood men better than most men understand themselves. I take from him the desire to interact with the strange, the unusual, the odd, and the downright peculiar.

I'd keep going, but I'm due for a walk with a fat guy. Before I go, though, a thought experiment: a loved one dies in an accident, industrial or otherwise, because of a 100% culpable third party. What is the appropriate amount of restitution to be paid to you or your family?